My husband called me a pushover tonight and after reflecting on this, he is right. I spend more time than I care to share reading parenting books and blogs and reflecting on how to raise my children so that they are happy, healthy and kind individuals.

Boundaries are something that I’ve struggled with. Sometimes it’s because I don’t know that my own boundaries have been crossed too far or too often until the moment I feel like I’m going to snap, and sometimes I’m just plain tired. In the moment, an extra show, one more chance or whatever the case may be, is easier than the alternative.

I feel like I’m baring my soul admitting this to myself because I know and I value how important boundaries are. They create stability, predictability and safety. Ultimately, they also make things easier in the long run. Some days though, it feels like every move you make is in response to maintaining one more boundary and it’s just plum exhausting and hard. Sometimes it’s hard because it’s a matter of maintaining and sustaining that confident leadership role. Other times it’s hard because in the moment it’s a reflection and decision about what the boundary is. Many times over that’s a lot decision making and if you want to be a confident leader you need to be confident in those decisions. I find this is where I fall down when I’m in the thick of things. Children are brilliant testers and they intuitively know when a boundary is a firm “no” or a ” I’m pretty sure that this is what I mean, maybe…” decision.

I’ve been reflecting on how to approach family boundaries. If you decide to approach your personal life more systematically it becomes more clear and much easier to discern and maintain your family and personal boundaries. My logic is that this approach works very well in my workplace and while the values may be different the approach can be the same.

First, approach all boundaries in the same way. For me, that means I tell my child in calm and confident way what the boundary is in clear and direct language. I don’t want to engage in a power struggle, so if my child is struggling to uphold that boundary I help them. For example, if I’ve said it’s time to put pjs on my children are ignoring this and continuing with play or genuinely just not acknowledging this request, I will step in and help them put the pjs on. The reason to do this is because, you want your child to understand and begin to predict that when you set a boundary it is something you expect and will ensure is maintained. A child that isn’t listening is telling you that they need support either because they are dis-regulated, struggling with transition or because they need more consistency ( which is true in my case ).

Following this example, if putting pjs on takes longer than it should, the natural consequence is that there is less, or no time for stories before bed.

Now, I know how hard following through with this can be. I’m living it and I’m also trying to grow into being better at it. What I tell myself is that my children’s emotions are not my own. They may be terribly upset about going to bed without stories and it may all seem very tragic. However, the bigger kindness I can provide is the security and consistency of clear boundaries. I always always advocate that all feeling are ok. I want my children to feel the security of knowing that I am completely unwavering and secure in the face of even the biggest meltdown. I want to be their stable and safe harbour in the midst of their storm.

I think the caveat is: it’s all in your approach. There is no shame or disappointment. It’s a matter of support and cause and effect: ” It took longer tonight, so we’ve run out of time for stories.” “We can try again tomorrow”. Ultimately, you are on the same team, it isn’t a battle.

So let’s break down a few of the big day to day family boundary heavy hitters. Ask yourself some of these questions and make sure you share your boundaries clearly with you family so they know what to expect.

1. Mealtimes and food.

Where do you eat?

  • Are all meals at the table?
  • Is food allowed in the car?

What do you eat ?

  • Is the food provided the only option?
  • How do you eat?
    Do you eat every meal at the table? Just supper?
    Is the tv allowed to be on?
    When and how can someone be excused.

2. Respectful physical Contact

  • Aggressive behaviour
  • The largest goal here is to prevent. Know the cues and intervene to prevent your child from hitting, biting or kicking etc. Things to consider though are, what about when you are driving ? If siblings start to fight, what can you do? Pulling over and intervening has been the only strategy that has worked for me. Again- it’s good to have a plan and a strategy I advance.
    Personal space

  • When your child is in your lap, what is on for you? Can they climb and bounce ? Would you prefer they sit calmly? Again, it’s all in the approach: direct, calm, confident and without any shame. ” When you are in my lap I want you to sit calmly” . If this doesn’t work, then ” it seems like you’ve got some energy to burn off, I’m going to help you off my lap”.

3. Bedtime

  • What time is bedtime?
    Do you have a consistent routine ? If something takes longer because boundaries aren’t being maintained you know what comes next and what there may not be time for.
  • If your child wakes up in the night what is your plan?

4. Screen time

  • Do you allow screen time?
  • How much?
  • When?
  • What type?

By no means is this an exhaustive list. And we know that children are brilliant -they’ll always come up with something we haven’t even considered – but it’s a good first start, or chance to evaluate.

When you are on the same team as your child you want to do everything to help them succeed. Let them know what to expect in advance. Be very consistent. Avoid situations where you know they will struggle if it isn’t necessary. For example, if the end of the day is hard because your child is tired, don’t eat out where it will be even harder for your child to adhere to boundaries. You know your children best so I’m sure intuitively you already do this to an extent. It is still helpful to be conscious of it, particularity in new situations like travelling or when you have times of greater stimulation like the holidays or attending gatherings etc…

One area that I’m presently working on with my family is personal and family responsibility and contributions. I’ll share more in this in the future ! I’d also love to hear what you do and what is working for your families!

So, go ahead and say “no.” I can be the kindest thing you can offer in that moment.

As always, I hope you are flourishing lately.