It’s been over a year since I lost my dad to cancer. If I’m being honest, I am still processing it. Death is a part of life, and through my experience in losing my father, I realized it’s something that we aren’t well equipped to manage as a culture. This was my first experience losing a close family member as a parent myself. My children were also losing someone. The experience of loss and grief and confusion felt like so much more as I tried to navigate my own rollercoaster of emotions while trying manage my role as a mom and support to my children who were also experiencing this loss. At the time, my sons were 3 1/2, 1 1/2 and I was 5 weeks pregnant with our third son.
My dad died of prostate cancer on August 6th, 2017. He told our family that he had prostate cancer a couple years earlier, but in his cavalier way, he brushed it off and reassured us that he had it in hand. I had always understood that prostate cancer was usually slow growing and in terms of cancer, it was one of the ‘better ones’ to battle. What he didn’t tell us, and what came to light in July 2017, is that his cancer had metastasized and that it was terminal.
My oldest son in particular had always had a close connection with my dad, Grandpa Gord. I felt like my mind was racing when I came to learn that my dad was dying and quickly. I started googling everything I could find about teaching young kids about death and dying. I knew that it was something I needed to support my sons through and I wanted to ensure that I did everything I could in a way that was appropriate for their age and development. I didn’t find much information , but I did find a little, and my husband and I discussed at length how we wanted handle things. Two years later, I feel that the approach we took was right for our family, and I hope that some of what we learned may help you too.
Be Honest
Children know intuitively that something is going on. They pick-up on your emotions and they don’t miss the hushed conversations, the sudden flurry of activity or changes to normal routines. All of this change and hightened emotions can create discomfort for children. While it may feel like you are protecting them by not sharing the truth or glazing over it, the alternative is often worse. They will know that something wrong, and choosing to hold this information in will send the unintended message to your child that whatever it is, it is too big for them to handle, and that can create a great deal of anxiety and discomfort. Just like adults in the absence of the truth, children will start to create their own stories for what is happening. It’s always better to be honest.
Be Available and Allow your Child to Process
Death is a very abstract concept for young children. When your family is going through loss it can also quickly start to feel like a very ‘loaded’ concept. Your child may not fully be able to grasp that someone is gone forever. They do start to understand that death is a very big deal that creates very big feelings for the people around them. One of the best ways that children work through their feelings and begin to get their head around a new concept is by telling, and re-telling the story of that experience. Depending on your child’s age, this may look a little different. For my son, this story went something like this: “Grandpa Gord has cancer and he is in the hospital. He isn’t eating except for ice cream. He’s really tired. The doctors give him medicine so his tummy doesn’t hurt. He is going to die. He isn’t coming home.” Every time my son told this story he had new questions: “Where is he going after he dies?” “Why is he sleepy?” “Why won’t the doctors give him medicine to make him better?” We answered all of the questions, honestly and in simple terms that made sense for my son. He would re-tell the story and include more details. This was truly on of the best strategies we used to support of child, and frankly ourselves. It’s a kin to defusing a bomb. Telling the story, paring order and logic to the intense emotional experience was helpful and gave my son a sense of control over his own emotional experience. Being available and open to him talking freely about grandpa Gord’s death was also important. It meant that it wasn’t something that was off limits. We were comfortable with his feelings, no matter what they were. If he was sad, afraid or mad, that was ok and safe for him to feel that way.
Be Thoughtful about your Language
This is something that I learned speaking with my son about death. I told my son that Grandpa Gord was sick and he was dying. I realized later when my son was re-telling this story back to me as he processed that it was very confusing and scary for him to hear that being sick could mean that you might die. I realized I needed to be more thoughtful about my language. I apologized and explained that I didn’t use the best words, and re-told the story that we were using again, and explained that Grandpa Gord had cancer. Cancer is a type of sickness that is very different from having a cold or the flu or any of the normal types of “being sick” that kids can be. Only sometimes does cancer mean that you are going to die. It was very sad Grandpa Gord had a cancer that we couldn’t fix. i also found that when I could create visual descriptions of this for my kids it really helped them to understand. For example, I explained that the type of medicine you get when you have cancer is very different from normal medicine. It comes in a bag with and IV which I showed pictures of. Children can be very literal when they are young and this experience was a very good reminder for me to be very mindful and thoughtful of the words I was using.
Follow your Child’s Lead
Knowing how much time to spend talking about death and what is happening is a fine balance. You want to honour what is happening in your family and give your child space to process, however, you also don’t want to project your own emotions or experiences on your child. As a parent, you are probably already very attune to your child. You can tell when they are curious or concerned or frankly disinterested. Follow their lead. Be honest, show-up for them overtime the need to tell the story or ask a question. Don’t avoid talking about your loved ones that you are losing. Model that safety, but don’t push emotions on your children. As my son started to feel emotionally secure about Grandpa Gord dying, he would sometimes tell the story about him dying, and switch to a conversation about dump trucks in the same breath. That is ok. If your child’s barometer is reading that they are ok, don’t push it, accept it. Be prepared that this may change, and if it does you have the tools to support them if they need.
Honour Your Own Emotions and Healing
It will be just as important for your children to understand your experience and what is happening for you and to feel secure that you are ok, as it is to understand what is happening. This will mean that telling your story to your children and honouring that you are sad or mad and modelling this appropriately and demonstrating that you will be ok. This is very powerful learning and healing for your children. Hiding your feelings never works. Children know. I would often say things like ” I am really sad that Grandpa Gord is dying.” ” I really love him and I am going to miss him very much”. In my case, with my belief set I also would offer that ” I believe he will always be with us in spirit in Heaven and this helps me feel better”. My son would tell this story back to me as his way of processing what he was observing in me. “Mom, you are really sad hey?” “You don’t want Grandpa Gord to die.”
Being healthy for your children means that you need to find space for yourself to work through your feelings. This may mean counselling, church, your partner, friends, family, or a combination of these. It takes a community. Unfortunately, we don’t really have communities in the same way that we once did. I found that I received many text messages immediately following my dad’s death, but very little else in terms of support. I don’t say this as a form of criticism but more of acknowledgment that our culture struggles with discomfort and death. In our society we celebrate well, but we do not create space for mourning in the same way. I think my community needed me to take the lead and say ” i need ________”. If I were to do it again, I would be more assertive about my needs. I also want to add that one of my greatest learnings in this experience was that Joy and Sorrow are not mutually exclusive emotions. You can continue to be joyful for all that you have to feel joy for while not belittling or dishonouring your sorrow. I adore my family and my boys, and I continued to find true joy everyday in them. I also felt incredible sorrow over the loss of my dad. Both of these feelings existed and gave each of them freedom and space to co-exist. This was probably what kept me healthiest.
Today, my oldest son continues to talk about Grandpa Gord. Often it is to justify not wearing socks in his boots because Grandpa Gord never did. My son also brings me every feather he finds to let me know it was from Grandpa Gord in heaven. This breaks my heart open every time.
Even through hard times, we can flourish. By honouring your feelings and living in your integrity you are a light.