“Self-care” is a concept that is thrown around a lot. What exactly does it mean? I think, to many it has become just another thing to add to list of things that you should do in a day to ensure you’ve hit all your marks for being a good mom, wife, employee etc… I also think that so much expectation has been placed on the time you’ve set-aside for self care that the assumption is that you come out replenished and whole. I’m not sure this is true.
I’ve been listening to a lot of my friends talk about the pressures of balancing all the demands of life and how little is left for themselves, if anything, at the end of the day. I get it. I feel it. I hear you. I am you. I don’t accept it.
So, if drinking a cup of tea, or cramming a run in over lunch or taking a bath at night isn’t fuelling you up -if you manage to fit these things in – what is the alternative?
Good question …. let me know if you figure it out!
In all seriousness, I’ve truly been reflecting on this and I keep coming back to a few basic foundational concepts.
1. You can’t compromise who you are.
I think this is HARD. It means that you need to be thoughtful about who YOU are outside of the roles that you fill. It’s easy to lose yourself. This means you have to do the work and decide what you want from life and how you want to live. It means that you are being intentional and choosing your life. It may mean some hard choices, prioritizing and compromising. This may sound simple on the surface, but I think many of us have fallen into routines and patterns and lives that are happening around us. It takes tremendous courage to sit back with an open heart and reflect and honestly answer: ” What do I want?” “What makes me truly happy” . I don’t mean things like a new car or a bigger house …. because those are nice but they won’t make you truly happier. It may be more time with you kids or more time with your partner. The powerful thing is, once you recognize it – and make the choices to enable this in your life, you are in control. You are choosing and cultivating the life you want. It also means, not making the choices or changes to claim your happiness is your own making as well. Choose wisely.
2. Being kind isn’t kind if it isn’t true.
When you are dis-ingenious it serves no one. It may seem kind to put your needs last or not ask for what you want, but it isn’t. It doesn’t make your needs or wants go away and I think we all know that when these neglected parts of ourselves overflow, it isn’t pretty. This doesn’t mean that you put yourself above others. It means that you honour who you are in the moment. It’s very simple but so hard for so many people. How many times have you observed moms making everything about everyone else only to see them mutter passive aggressive comments towards their partners or snap later on. While I appreciate that it would be lovely if someone would notice that we haven’t eaten while we’ve served everyone else, or were the only one that seems to notice and deal with the toys at the bottom of the stairs that everyone walks by – we can’t expect it and if we’re waiting for it, pull up a stool, it’s going to be a while. Instead, state your wants and needs. Be upfront before your pissed off. Be straight with everyone. It might be hard at first but you’ll get the hang of it and you’ll notice you have less resentment clogging your energy field. It’s very simple and liberating.
3. Where your attention goes, energy flows. Change your perspective, change your reality.
I say these things daily to myself. When you reassess your circumstances from a place of gratitude, your energy shifts and what may have felt chaotic and hard can become wonderfully light.
There is so much research available about the power of thought and emotion and attraction. When stuff is feeling heavy – take a second and honour that. Then, choose to let go of what doesn’t serve you and reframe it. This isn’t easy at first. And I believe that sometimes we get stuck in the drama or being a victim or needing to be right. All of those things will keep you stuck and ultimately will not bring you happiness. So decide – what do you care more about?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stuck in my head going over arguments to affirm in my mind how I’m right. It never feels good. When I can reframe something and let that go – often through compassion for the other person or myself – the second I shift my emotions that former argument is so far gone – I just don’t care anymore. Give it a try with something small at first and with practice and success you’ll build confidence and it will become habit.
Now, these are daily practices and approaches to life. They don’t replace the need for time to yourself but they do start to honour the “self” at the deepest level.
Let me know how they work for you!
As always, I hope you are flourishing lately.