2020: New year, new you?

Happy New Year. It’s 2020.

I want to write something inspirational about what 2020 can bring, but I feel compelled to honour the experience and emotion that many people faced in 2019. In my sphere, for myself and those around me, both personally and professionally, 2019 was hard. There was a lot of turmoil, loss, change and struggle.

I think what was particularly hard about 2019, is that there seemed to a universal lack of clarity. Not only were things hard, but it wasn’t clear where things were going. Why things were hard. When it would end or even personal clarity of determining what it was you wanted. Hard things are much easier when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and track your progress towards it. When you don’t know up from down, left from right and it isn’t clear which direction leads to the light – hard can be very daunting.

HARD ≠ BAD

I feel this has been my running mantra this year. Hard ≠ bad. It may feel bad, it may seem bad and yet it isn’t entirely bad. Let’s be clear though, hard is still hard. Life has an interesting design for all of us, and retrospectively, I think we can all look backwards and see how we have grown and our lives have shifted through the hardest and darkest moments. That is good and well after the fact – but when you are in the thick of it, it doesn’t seem to help much.

So here we sit, goslings, waiting to transform into beautiful swans, teenagers, awkward, lanky and pimple ridden – so how to we transition with grace? Maybe we don’t? Or maybe we shift our expectation of grace and surrender and trust? Maybe we focus on the one thing we can influence and feel good about. Even this is hard. It’s hard for me. I’ll tell you why: it requires patience. Patience in its truest sense. Patience that requires not knowing when the waiting will end. I hate that kind of patience. When I was 16 and learning to drive I wanted to to behind the wheel all the time. My dad’s rule was, you can’t ask or the answer is no – I have to offer. He didn’t always offer – I think he was testing me. This enraged me and perhaps rightly so. So every-time I find myself needing to gracefully practice patience, I feel like my 16 year old self desperately wanting to drive.

As I write this – I realize there is a theme and lesson in that. The desperate desire to be in the driver’s seat. Sometimes we don’t have control. That is tremendously scary and hard. We start to look at things from a fear based mentality and focus on the smallest of details and begin to put blinders on. We start seeing our options and opportunities as finite. If my dad doesn’t let me drive, I’ll never learn. I’ll never get my license. I’ll never have freedom. Instead of, I am not driving today, but I have tomorrow and the next day. I also have grandparents and aunts and uncles who may be willing to help me. Growth mindset.

Let’s get back to what a doozy 2019 has been. (then I promise I’ll move on)

I woke up on January 1st, 2020 expecting to feel good and fresh and excited a new. I cleaned the house, I organized closest, I was excited about the new moon. I woke up in a total funk. So I pushed up against myself in judgement – feel better. It didn’t work. I pushed again – feel better! It didn’t work. Meanwhile, one of my best friends was up visiting and had a stomach bug so violent she wasn’t able to leave her room except to run to the washroom and I just thought… ok…. clearly today the universe is sending me a different message. I tried to breathe into my discomfort. I tried to sit in it and examine it. What I realized is that I needed to honour and release 2019. I hadn’t given myself credit for the pain and hard of the last year. I hadn’t released the hurt. I needed to honour that. For that is part of me and it is what will allow me to be who I am going to be.

So here is a list of some of the things I am honouring, releasing, and giving space to:

BREATHE. EXHALE. RELEASE.

I hope that you are having a wonderful start to your new year. If you aren’t, I want you to know you are not alone. Comment below to share what you are releasing from 2019. Be sure the end your comment with: “BREATE. EXHALE. RELEASE.” to symbolize that you are giving it space and releasing the negative energy of 2019, creating space for good thing in 2020.

As always, I hope you are flourishing lately.